Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Are They True?

Are they true?

Are the promises that the word has spoken true?
If you were to have asked me that 4 years I go I would have said without a doubt.
If you were to ask me today, I would say that I hope so.
I'm not so sure anymore.
I had dinner with a group of friends tonight.
All was well and at the drop of a hat,
I feel tears welling up in my eyes.
So I left.
I drove home,
Tears streaming down my face.
That's not who I am.
I'm the strong one.
The one people run to when they need support.
The one that others look to for security.
I've never been the sad one,
The one without hope.
I hate this feeling.
It's not me.
I've hidden these feelings and thoughts for so long
That even I don't know how to respond to them.
This is new territory.
I'm SO broken.
So saddened.
So burdened.
So heavy hearted.
8 years ago God almost took my life.
I remember sitting in the hospital bed at the lowest place
Of my life up to that point.
I had a conversation with God.
I told Him that I had always been told that everything He did had a purpose and that He can and will turn bad into good.
He had been faithful in that promise up until then but I believed that my then problem was bigger than He.
I wished Him luck at fixing me and turning something so bad into something good.
He remained faithful.
He reminded me of the verse Jeremiah 29:11-13.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me
When you seek me with all your heart."
8 years ago I chose that as my life verse.
I wish I still believed it in my core like I once did.
I do know that He is capable.
I do know that He is powerful.
But I also know that I am broken.
That I am lost.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Long Journey...

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt so alone?
That happened to me last week and it was one of the saddest moments of my life.
After I sat there feeling so alone, a voice came over me and told me:
"God doesn't want this for you"
The voice was more real than one could ever imagine.
It was comforting yet scary at the same time.
I want so badly to trust the voice but am so bruised and fearful that I don't even know if I can trust God.
I'm afraid to open up.
I'm afraid to hurt more than I already do.
Every time I open up and become vulnerable I end up regretting it and becoming more and more wounded.
I'm so scared that there will come a time when the right man comes along and I'll be too jaded to be able to make it work.
I want to have faith.
I don't want to lose heart.
I want to deal with my past and put it away.
I want redemption.
I want healing.
I want all these things yet feel stuck.
I'm afraid to unbury the hurts of my past.
I don't want to relive those moments.
I want it to disappear and never look back.
I know that's not healthy
And one must confront their past before they can embrace their future.
I'm just so afraid.
The quote from Mother Theresa rings so true...
"God won't give you anything you can't handle,
I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
So here I am...
Heart ached,
and Sad.
Longing for healing...
Please show me the way.