Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Long Journey...

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt so alone?
That happened to me last week and it was one of the saddest moments of my life.
After I sat there feeling so alone, a voice came over me and told me:
"God doesn't want this for you"
The voice was more real than one could ever imagine.
It was comforting yet scary at the same time.
I want so badly to trust the voice but am so bruised and fearful that I don't even know if I can trust God.
I'm afraid to open up.
I'm afraid to hurt more than I already do.
Every time I open up and become vulnerable I end up regretting it and becoming more and more wounded.
I'm so scared that there will come a time when the right man comes along and I'll be too jaded to be able to make it work.
I want to have faith.
I don't want to lose heart.
I want to deal with my past and put it away.
I want redemption.
I want healing.
I want all these things yet feel stuck.
I'm afraid to unbury the hurts of my past.
I don't want to relive those moments.
I want it to disappear and never look back.
I know that's not healthy
And one must confront their past before they can embrace their future.
I'm just so afraid.
The quote from Mother Theresa rings so true...
"God won't give you anything you can't handle,
I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
So here I am...
Heart ached,
and Sad.
Longing for healing...
Please show me the way.

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